I know I said I didn't want to try and get too much into my own feelings, but suffice it to say March has already been really rough on me mentally. This is the month when my mom died back in 2023 and people around me still haven't entirely finished with their grieving. My aunt wants to visit me later this month to clean my mom's room because she's been having dreams about her, and while I don't want to discredit her spirituality, it's really annoying that my own authority is still worthless in comparison to the dream version of a person who's been dead for 2 years.
It's tiresome that most of these people never really see me for me. They see me as so-and-so's kid, or so-and-so's relative. This has been a chronic problem for me and my sense of self-worth and it's one of those things that my therapist has been trying really hard to detangle but without much success. Not that I'm making it any easier for him; faced with that sorta pressure I tend to just become some sort of yes-person and pretend that yeah I'm feeling better about it now. Yeah I understand the logic and can CBT my way out of it on my own, totally... I at least made him aware of that habit, so he can try to catch me doing it, but I don't know.
Admittedly I brought up getting medicated in anticipation for this shit. The meds do help with the severity of the emotions, but it's starting to dawn on me that they aren't really going to do much when I'm faced with my stressors. I still think about dying, and I still think about hurting myself, just that the accompanying emotions are a teensy bit more managable and are barely even there if I'm not actively stressing over something. In comparison to how I was prior to being medicated (constantly thinking about suicide) it's an improvement, but I suppose there's only so much meds can do.
2025 hasn't been very kind to me nor any of the people in my life thus far, so here's to hoping that this month goes by relatively quickly.